After a long battle with cancer, senior tortie crosses the rainbow bridge after a special final day with owner, reminding us to appreciate every moment

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    I would love to post a picture of my sweet girl but I'll refrain for anonymity. She was a beautiful
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    tortoise girlie and the vet that came to do the euthanasia said she was stunning. She had oral
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    cancer which left her slightly disfigured in one of her cheeks but I loved her through every
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    version she was. She was and always will be my beautiful girl. I felt some solitude hearing the vet
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    say how she wasn't as bad as she had expected and had seen so much worse. I knew then the
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    speculation on whether or not I allowed her to live so long was just that, speculation and
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    judgment. I know I got so much longer with her than was expected and it was a gift.
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    Coming to the decision was quite unbearable and it truly felt wrong because her quality of life still
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    scored well but I just worried so much about what would come next and I had already been on
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    such a rollercoaster of up and down with her. I wasn't sure if I could continue to bear the cloud
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    of inevitable doom over me. I also just wasn't sure which was worse, losing her altogether or the
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    constant weight of when it would happen. Her last day I gave her all the snuggles, let her sit outside in the sun, watched her use her
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    scratcher numerous times and just tried to be with her every second and tell her how I loved
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    her and that I wish it could be different. She even meowed at me a few times which she hadn't
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    done in a long time. She suddenly was able to yawn twice as big as she could in the last several
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    weeks and I questioned every moment of how much she could actually go on and how
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    delusional I was in wondering if her cancer was getting smaller because of how well she suddenly
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    seemed. I noticed all of the things in these last few days. The last time I would prepare her food,
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    the last time she would sleep next to me, the last time she would go outside. Most people say how
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    they never knew what moments would be their "lasts" but it felt impossible not to think about.
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    The moment came I had been dreading. I held her in my arms and told her how much I loved
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    her. I could barely give the green light for the final moment but I knew it was inevitable. When it
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    was over she just looked like she was sleeping and it was hard to come to terms with the fact that
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    she was taking her final sleep and no longer snuggled up next to me for some comfort. I carried
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    her in my arms all the way to her cremation. I thought it would be weird but it just felt like me loving her in a new version like I had
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    done so many times before. Bringing her home in a very small box was more strange than
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    carrying her through all of those moments and something that feels surreal. I expected to feel so
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    much heavier but I think maybe I'm just numb because I don't really know if I feel much besides
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    small moments of sadness here and there. I hate feeling this way to be honest because it's hard to
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    reconcile how much I love her with the lack of emotions. I've lost a few others in the past and each time I felt the heaviest weight in
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    my chest of deep sadness. It's so strange to not experience such a heaviness for my girl that I love so immensely. I never wanted this
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    day to come and now it's here and I hardly know what to do with myself let alone this feeling
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    of "okay." I know that I loved her deeply and will miss her and I hope it never fades.
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